An Apology Letter to my Body

From a young age, I have always loved running. This passion began early for me and seemingly evolved into more of a habit rather than a hobby over the years.

Every single day.

When planning my day, one of the main things I find time to schedule in is time to either go for a run or go to the gym. While some people may be reading this thinking I am flaunting my exercise habits. I can assure you, I am not.

I love running. I love running. I love running.

Or so I told myself and others, as I pushed my body to run and exercise more than any person needs. On days I felt sick, hungover, or mentally not okay, I would still find myself running miles after miles because I claimed it was what I loved to do. Even worse, I didn’t believe in the concept of having a “rest day.” To my weight loss obsessed mind, this seemed like a myth.

My passion for running evolved into a very unhealthy relationship with both my body and my exercise habits. I am really proud of myself and my personal growth that I can now recognize this and feel no shame to admit it openly.

Over exercising is a thing.

Let me repeat that because this took so much mental strength for me to accept.

Over exercising is a thing.

While being abroad, I was the busiest I have ever been in my life. I rarely had free time and if I ever found some time to spare I prioritized calling my parents over anything else.

This gave me a lot of anxiety in the beginning of the semester because as someone who is used to exercising every day, I didn’t like the fact that I only had time a few days a week to do so. As much as this stressed me out and made me think I hated the body I was seeing in the mirror, this was simply something I had to accept and put into perspective that I was trading my consistent workout schedule for a once in a lifetime semester of travel. No brainer, right? Shamefully enough, for me it wasn’t.

During my first 10-day break in February, we walked between 7-10 miles a day. We got to see so much of London, Paris, Rome, and Venice all by foot. I climbed the Arc De Triomphe in Paris, biked the entire city of Rome, carried the weight of multiple shopping bags in London; all different forms of moving my body while actually enjoying my time. This was when I began to realize that there are so many alternate ways to exercise that, for me at this time, got to include sightseeing and spending time with my friends. I was living such a fun-filled, carefree life far away from the gym while still effectively moving my body. This was a concept that was foreign to me.

After this realization,I swore to myself I would only work out when I had the time to and when I felt both mentally and physically willing. I only went to the gym when I was genuinely excited to be there and this made all the difference. Reflecting now, at the end of my semester, I have never been more comfortable in my own body and skin. 

The mix of this realization and surrounding myself the entire semester with some of the most supportive friends I’ve ever had brought me to where I am now. With my reduced amount of exercise, I assumed this would’ve taken a toll on my confidence. But, while surrounding myself with people like Cate Casparius and Ariana Magazzolo feeling a lack of confidence was not an option. Whether it’s Cate continuously saying “Lizzy! Smile! You look so cute, don’t move!!” while she took a photo of me or Ariana telling me the outfit I had on was her favorite one I’ve ever worn– but saying this almost every weekend. It’s little things and friendly actions like these that made me feel confident and beautiful enough to take hundreds of pictures this semester. As someone who is so young, this is how it should be. I can’t imagine looking back on my time and pictures abroad in twenty years or so and finding minimal photos of myself because I wasn't comfortable enough in my own skin to get in front of the camera. I owe it all to my uplifting friends for always making me feel beautiful and assuring this didn’t happen.

After years of pushing myself because of the dislike I saw in the mirror, I never thought my confidence in my appearance would come from actually reducing my time in the gym. 

To others, I probably look the exact same. And while that may be true, I think the growth is coming from the realization that I can have a life outside the gym and not gain weight. I used to be so tied to the gym and this semester has so effectively untied my prior unhealthy relationship. 

At least for me, one of the hardest things about having a healthy relationship with my body revolves around numbers. Sizes, calories, time spent exercising, etc. I didn’t realize how much this was impacting me and how I speak to myself until this semester when my Apple Watch broke. I was obviously bummed it stopped working but wow am I thankful now. Ditching my Apple Watch has helped me so much. I exercise in ways that feel good and it is such a relief not knowing how many calories I burned or even the distance I ran. I do it for my body and not to close a silly little exercise ring. I don’t need my watch guilting me with “my rings are behind schedule” or “it’s time to stand!” on my lazy days. I really do think my watch was a big factor in my unhealthy obsession with exercising and letting that go has been so freeing. 

Another challenge, and I’m sure I’m not alone here, is trying not to be so hard on ourselves while looking back on what we used to look like. I am 21 years old and obviously need to accept that I no longer look like what I did in high school. It would be unhealthy if I was still that tiny and that’s something that took me a while to let go of. Our bodies are meant to change and mature! The easiest way for me to accept this is to remember how I felt when I looked like that. Freshman year of college, I looked great. I was so thin, but I will never forget how I felt. I was sad and unhappy. Why would I ever want to trade the happiness I have now for the body I had then? My current body is strong and healthy and most importantly– it’s happy. I accept that willingly now and positively embrace the body I see in the mirror.

Yes, I still struggle with my body image and I can accept that it’s okay here and there.

However, my entire perspective on the toxicity of body image in our society was completely altered after my service-learning trip to Rwanda.

On my third day in Rwanda, we were given a little bit of free time to go hang out in the park and journal. Some of us were journaling, some playing volleyball, and some just talking. My friend Caitlyn and I had the idea to jump rope to get some exercise. Our translator, Robert, asked me why I felt the need to still work out even though I was on a trip like this. Caitlyn and I looked at each other, laughed, and then both said “It’s almost summer, we want to be skinny.” Skinny. A word that has become so toxic in American society.

Robert laughed. But I could tell he was also genuinely confused by this. After a few moments of silence he explained to us how in Rwanda, calling someone fat is a compliment. Being fat or bigger built in Rwanda is a direct reflection of how well you can feed yourself. Bigger people have more access to food and therefore a more sustainable way of life. Obviously, this makes sense when explained. However, it took me a second to comprehend this because in America being called fat is not what anyone wants to hear.

In Rwanda, people starve.

People would do anything to have the access to food that many of us have. Yet, we have stigmatized the word fat and made it undesirable. This really put into perspective how I should be treating and talking to my body. I’ve spent so much physical and mental energy wanting to be skinny, when in Rwanda this is exactly what they don’t want.

I am so beyond lucky and fortunate to have food on my plate every single day. I should eat it and not be ashamed of what eating and fueling myself can do to the appearance of my body. I am so fortunate to even have these stupid concerns when eating. 

It's moments like this that make me realize how beyond lucky I am. Reflecting on a topic like this makes me want to write an apology to my body for all the times I pushed myself to work out when I didn’t feel up for it or when I didn’t let myself eat another piece of bread because it could make me gain weight. WHO CARES. The people who love you love you for your personality and who you are, not your physical appearance. Eat what you want, move your body when it feels good, and take a moment to say thank you to your body!!! It does so much for you and at least for me, instead of thanking my body I used to fixate my thoughts on what I dislike about myself when I look in the mirror.

This is so unfair to my body and all it’s hard work.

On the very first weekend abroad, we spent our entire Sunday exploring. We left our hostel at 9am and didn’t get back until dark. We hiked to the top of a nearby mountain and while it wasn’t easy walking for hours at that incline, the view was something I know I’ll never be able to put into the right words to do it justice. 

When we finally reached the top I think I could’ve cried of happiness. Yes, the view was insane and it made me so excited to be in Europe and for the semester ahead, but the tears might’ve been coming from thanking God that my body didn't collapse trying to keep up with my friends.

That night, I laid in bed sore and exhausted—still not adjusted to the time difference and about to call it a night at 7pm. My mind was all over the place from how much has happened since I left Virginia, but I also had a wave of accomplishment thinking about what we just did. I am 20 years old, I just got on a plane to Europe and here I am casually hiking 12 miles. In the moment of the hike, it didn’t hit me how insane that was. I am so young and able that my body can actually do that. Insane. This is such a blessing that goes unnoticed every day. I have legs, I can walk, I can run, my body can do everything to its normal capability. This is something I never want to take for granted because it won’t last forever so I need to make every day count.

When I signed up for abroad, I knew I was going to learn a lot and gain new perspectives on a range of things. It never crossed my mind that my relationship with my body would be one of my biggest takeaways while traveling. The delicious pasta dishes, gelato, and chocolate croissants I ate were well worth the calorie intake and I know my body was thanking me for feeding it and giving it what it needs to function. Walking a mile to class, sprinting to catch trains, saving money by walking instead of ubering—for all of these things, I thank my body. I am young and I am able. I spent a semester living the dream and not once did my body have to hold me back. That is a privilege. I recognize this now and feel so blessed. I am so glad my semester opened my eyes to this.

I know everyone is always at different stages of their relationship with their body and themselves, however I hope today you can look in the mirror and say thank you. Treat exercise and movement as a celebration of what your body is capable of doing, not as a punishment for what you ate! Your body does SO much for you and doesn’t deserve for you to punish it ever or only notice its flaws!!! Stretch, walk, get a breath of fresh air, do anything today to let your body know you care and appreciate it.